Wanted Urgently: Olympic Flame Security Officials

Applications are urgently invited for 12 positions in Olympic Flame Security operations during the visit of the Flame to Bangkok.  This is a short-term appointment (one day). 

Essential qualifications include minimum height of 1.85m, clean cut appearance and excellent physical condition with ability to jog moderate distances and look a real hunk in a blue and white tracksuit.  Previous training and experience in small arms, unarmed combat and riot control will be helpful. 

The display of any human emotion is not required.  Preference will be given to candidate whose smile muscles have been surgically removed. 

Candidates must possess a passport of the People’s Republic of China and a Thai Work Permit allowing them to harass Thai protestors with violence.

Apply in person with photograph (not smiling) to Overseas Olympic Security Services, c/o 57 Rachadaphisek Road, Dindaeng, Bangkok 10400.

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Celebrities R Us is recruiting B- and C-list celebs for short runs carrying lighted object.

Only genuine celebrities and TV personalities will be accepted.  Must provide own make-up.  Nudity not required.  Must demonstrate proven ability to smile inanely in potentially stressful situations involving protest chanting, sudden changes of route and tear gas.

Candidates will be tested for knowledge of political repression in Tibet, human rights violations by the Beijing government and Chinese support for repressive regimes in the Sudan and elsewhere.  Candidates displaying any knowledge of these issues will be disqualified.  Particularly ignorant applicants may earn extra fees for spontaneous media interviews (scripts will be provided).

Any withdrawal after signing of contract on grounds of ‘conscience’, ‘respect for human rights’ or other mental illness will lead to professional blacklisting where candidate’s future employment will be restricted to advertisements (print only) for feminine hygiene products, patent constipation medicines and sets involving children and annoying small animals.

Apply with portfolio listing sitcom cameos, ad work and pictures from society pages to CRU Representative, Olympic Flame Subcommittee, PR Department, National Sports Authority of Thailand. 

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A Government Agency seeks Agents Provocateurs

A government agency which wishes to remain anonymous seeks experienced agents provocateurs to infiltrate pro-Tibet and human rights activist organizations with a view to encouraging the use of violence or other illegal acts leading to mass police arrests of undesirables.  In line with emergency regulations and the Internal Security Act, agents will enjoy complete impunity from both criminal and civil prosecution and may therefore, if necessary, commit illegal acts themselves and later provide perjured testimony to secure convictions for conspiracy.

Free Mekhong allowance.  Must provide own clothing, face paint and provocative banners. 

Application should be made using an alias and in a plain brown paper envelope to Lt-Col ‘Somchai’, Back Door, Government House.

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Thailand National Olympic Committee needs Flag-Wavers

The TNOC requires large numbers of persons of all ages, appearances and both sexes to wave Chinese, Thai and Olympic flags at selected points on Bangkok’s streets.  Persons willing to simulate diversity by wearing minority costumes or sitting in wheelchairs will be paid extra.  Must have a vacant smile and the ability to recite a limited number of stock phrases, such as ‘Sport and politics should not be mixed’, ‘Tibet is an integral part of China’, ‘Those protestors are a misguided minority’, and ‘No, we haven’t been paid to come here.’ 

Apart from the generous attendance allowance, free boxed lunches and transportation to and from home village will be provided.  Comprehensive medical and accident insurance is provided (excludes dental and vision care) covering entire 24-hour period.

Block applications (minimum of 25 wavers per application) should be made through your local PPP office.