It is the self-appointed duty of this column to explain to Prachatai readers the policies of the parties planning to contest the general election in December. Today we will examine the stated policies of the party with the catchy name, the Matchimathipat-

Exasperated Prachatai Editor: Just hold it right there. Have you not read the regulations from the Election Commission? You can't go naming parties like that. You'll have us closed down for bias.

Myself: Oh, sorry. What if I use a code name?

Exasperated Editor: Like what?

Myself: Well, working from the etymology of their name, how about the ‘Halfway Rule' party?

EE (who doesn't always get it): Well, alright. But be careful.

Myself: Thank you.

Now, as I was saying. This Halfway Rule party has placed a full-page ad in the local English-language press to set out its policies for the benefit of English-speaking foreigners who can't vote for it.

Unfortunately, their policies still remain a bit of a mystery.

This is a result of Policy No. 1, which supports the sufficiency economy. Readers will be aware that the sufficiency economy includes the principle of ‘not too little, not too much'. In the case of Halfway Rule, this means ‘not too little that we can't splash a small fortune on full-page ads, but not too much that we pay an extra hundred or two to have someone check our English for us.'

Eager Thai Student Who Reads Prachatai to Improve His English: Yes, I was wondering about that. Policy No. 2 says they will counter ‘malversation' and it's not in my dictionary.

Myself: Nor in Wikipedia, MS Word's spellcheck and most other dictionaries. But if you look in legal dictionaries you will find it means ‘misconduct in public office', clearly a major policy challenge in modern Thailand.

Now did you also spot the reference in Policy No. 3 to the ‘southern boarder provinces'? These must be areas with high concentrations of boarding schools, dormitories, and rooming houses, though why they should need more ‘tranquillity, peace and safety' than northern boarder provinces, or any other province come to that, is not altogether clear.

Skipping past the solidified domestic market of Policy No. 4, we come to a novel economic policy (No. 5) of debt immunity. This will be especially useful to any businessman whose companies went whoopsy in a serious way, such as, oooh, I can't just think of an example right now but I'm sure the good leaders of the Halfway Rule party have someone in mind.

But let no one think that the creativity of the Halfway Rule people stops at the English language. They have plans for the Thai diet as well. Policy No. 22 lists 7 categories of ‘economic animals', including cats and dogs. Now there is a tradition of dog-eating in parts of the Northeast that are not normally mentioned in polite society, but nibbling on Tibbles is going to be a novelty for everyone.

And Policy No. 23 talks of ‘a fast-foods grown tree (Minosa)'. A tree that grows from fast foods is an intriguing prospect, so I checked Minosa. Now there is a municipality of 57 souls in Guadalajara called La Miñosa but I can't see how 57 MacDonald's-munching Spaniards will do much for the Thai economy, no matter how much they eat.

Eager Thai Student: Perhaps it's a misprint for Mimosa?

Myself: Ah, I had thought of that. But a Mimosa tree (as opposed to a shrub or herb) would have to be mayarap yak and I can't see any farmer thanking you for propagating that pest.

Economics may not be the strong suit of the Halfway Rule party. In accordance with Section 83 of the new constitution which mandates a ‘a free economy, relying on market mechanism', Policy No. 19 talks of a ‘market mechanism' and then promptly sets fixed prices of rice, sticky, rice, jasmine rice, rubber, cassava, sugar cane and grade A longan with no market mechanism anywhere in sight.

Public health could also be in for a rough time if the Halfway Rule politicians get into government. Policy No. 36 speaks of ‘free-cured deceases in the list of deceases to be more extensive.' Raising the death rate is an unusual way of tackling budget shortfalls in public health services, but I am sure it will be effective if not altogether popular.

Eager Thai Student: I'm glad you've explained these policies to me. I thought it was my English, but they really don't make sense, do they? It's all just pie in the sky.

Myself: Yes. Thai Pie In the Sky. Or, to be more succinct, TPI's policies. Geddit?