The scene: an upstairs room in a non-descript house on a side soi in suburban Bangkok. The date: Valentine’s Day 2012. A training session is in process.

Trainer: OK, let’s recap what we learned yesterday, escaping surveillance. Now your homework was to attempt to gain access to heavily guarded facilities without being detected. So how did you do – Ahmed?

[There is silence]

Trainer: Ahmed!

Saeid: Do you mean me?

Trainer: Yes, your name is Ahmed, right?

Saeid: No, it’s Saeid. Ahmed’s just my code name.

Trainer: And that’s why I’m using it. You’re on a mission, OK? Your use your code name.

Saeid: Right.

Trainer: You don’t use your real name, OK?

Saeid: Right. Except for buying these magnets and things.

Trainer: What?

Saeid: Well, I used my credit card and that’s got my real name on it so I couldn’t call myself Ahmed, could I?’

Trainer: Give me strength. Mohummad, how did you do on your homework?

Mohummad: Well, we first tried the Skytrain and …

Trainer: Just a minute, your code name is Masoud, isn’t it?

Mohummad: Er, just a minute. (Checks a piece of paper in his pocket.) Yeah, that’s right. Well done, chief.

Trainer: So don’t answer to Mohummad, you’re Masoud.

Masoud: What?

Trainer: I’m not talking to you.

Masoud: But you said Masoud.

Trainer: Because that’s his code name, not yours. What’s your code name?

Masoud: Mohummad.

Trainer: No, that’s his, er, …

Masoud: That’s right, isn’t it, Mohummad? I mean, Masoud. You’re Masoud, I mean, Mohummad, no, no, that’s me, I was right first time.

Trainer: Just a minute. Your real name is his code name and your code name is his real name?

Mohummad: Something like that. They said it would confuse the authorities.

Trainer: Well, it’s confused me. Anyway, how did you get on sneaking past the security on the Skytrain?

Mohummad: It was touch and go. First we went through the barrier with our suspicious bags and then we saw the table saying ‘Security Check’.

Trainer: Good, good. And then?

Mohummad: Well, there was no one there so we decided to hang about until there was someone to evade. And it took ages, didn’t it, Masoud? I mean, Mohummad?

Masoud: At least an hour. Eventually, someone in the ticket booth noticed three Middle Eastern men with suspicious bags loitering with intent.

Trainer: Ah, so what did they do?

Masoud: Nothing much. They talked among themselves and kept looking at us. Actually, I think the one on the end rather fancied me.

Saied: In your dreams.

Masoud: Anyway, after another quarter of an hour or so, one of them came out so we took evasive action like you told us.

Trainer: Yeah?

Masoud: We ran upstairs.

Trainer: And did they follow you?

Masoud: No, she was just going to the toilet.

Trainer: OK, well, we’ll call that a success. So you then tried the MRT?

Saied: Yeah, can we not do that again? I got scared.

Trainer: They suspected you?

Saied: No, I just don’t like going underground. It’s dark down there and trains make this funny noise, sort of whistling.

Trainer: But how did you get past security?

Masoud: Well, we thought we were in the queue for tickets when we suddenly realized we were going through this kind of gate that went beep beep.

Saied: Scared the life out of me.

Masoud: I thought we were in for it, because this ferocious looking 60-year-old guard started shining his flashlight into our bags.

Trainer: And you were carrying explosives?

Masoud: The C4, just like you told us. But then he suddenly salutes us and says something in Thai and the next thing we’re down where the trains are.

Mohummad: It was harder at that shopping centre, though. But by then we realized what these gates are, so we snuck in through the exit.

Trainer: Good, good. And how about spotting surveillance cameras?

Saied: That was a problem. I don’t think we saw any.

Trainer: What? None at all?

Saied: Well, were we looking for someone in a uniform holding a camera? I mean, there were some tourists taking snaps but I don’t think they were doing surveillance.

Trainer: No, I told you this. The look like long boxes and they’re stuck up on the ceiling or on a post somewhere. You’ve not seen any round here?

[General shaking of heads.]

Masoud: Oh hang on. You mean like that thing up in the corner there? The thing with ‘Property of the Royal Thai Police’ stencilled on it? I’ve been wondering what that was.

Trainer: Yes, I think you’re right. Well spotted, Masoud.

Masoud: Mohummad.

Trainer: Whatever. So, you’re sure there are no cameras round here, taking your picture? Don’t want your faces appearing in the Bangkok Post, do we?

[General laughter.]

Trainer: Well, I was going to do premature explosions today, but I’ve got this vin d’honneur at the Israeli Embassy, so we’ll call it a day and do it tomorrow.

Saied: What’s premature mean, boss?

Trainer: It means making sure you don’t do something stupid like blow your legs off with your own bomb.