The nation can rest safe. Despite the machinations of an insidious anti-monarchy network of immeasurable proportions, daily spreading its poisonous propaganda among a population which, we are constantly re-assured, reveres the institution in perfect and unshakable unanimity, the forces of virtue and morality are tireless in their pursuit of miscreants and malefactors.

As proof, Prachatai has come into the possession of a recent report by the Select Committee on Anti-Monarchical Sentiment dealing with a heavily coded message submitted to them from an anonymous source. The use of code words is apparently quite common in such messages, in a futile effort to escape prosecution.

The report presents the analysis of a document entitled ‘Celestial Lucy with Precious Gemstones’ which has been rigorously deconstructed with the assistance of the Translation Sub-Committee of the High-Ranking Army Officers’ High-Ranking Wives Club and the Semantic Analysis Division of the Department of Special Investigation. The first organization has previously translated allegedly seditious English-language texts into clearly blasphemous language, while the second is noted for its inventive interpretation of evidence.

I can do no better than to quite verbatim from the report.

“The document under review superficially appears to be a series of meaningless phrases, resembling the ramblings of a deranged or psychotic mind. However, our analysis reveals a number of disturbing indications that it is in fact a cunningly coded message to anti-institutional network members.

“The title, for instance, can be deciphered to make direct reference to the institution. ‘Celestial’ both refers to the elevated, almost heavenly position that the institution enjoys in Thai society, and also connotes the colour blue, which has direct royal implications. Exhaustive analysis of various possible references for ‘Lucy’ has not revealed a clear interpretation, but it is noted that this is a female name and it can be no coincidence that a number of members of the institution are also female. ‘Precious gemstones’ may refer to stolen property and the analysts are aware of one such case which has, quite erroneously, been previously introduced into a similar context.

“The first line of the message, ‘put yourself in a boat on the river’ appears to be secret instructions to operatives to target a riverside location. This represents a clear threat to national security.

“‘With tangerine trees’ may narrow the location. The area where most trees are to be found runs alongside the Grand Palace-Wat Phra Kaew complex, although these are decorative species, not fruit trees. ‘Tangerines’, or ‘sweet green oranges’ may reinforce the reference to the Emerald Buddha, or may be a reference to the military (green) and motorcycle taxis (orange). It should further be noted that the colour orange is a mixture of red and yellow and could therefore indicate neutrality.

“The phrase ‘sky of sour jam’ has proved difficult to decipher. It is thought to refer to the timing of a planned attack, but the exact reference has proved elusive.

“The next section, ‘you will receive a call, answer quite slowly’, appears to establish the method of contact and appropriate password, which is either the phrase ‘quite slowly’ or anything spoken slowly. ‘The girl with multi-coloured eyes’ presumably refers to the agent to be contacted, possibly code-named Lucy, having eyes of different colours. Since this latter is unlikely, especially with the genetic make-up of the Thai people, it may be a reference to the ‘multi-coloured’ groups which appeared in the recent political turmoil. If so, this will require some revision of the standard analysis, which has assumed that multi-coloured groups were yellows in disguise (anti-institutional sentiment is uniformly red, rather than yellow).”

And so it goes on for page after page.

In conclusion, the report recommends that charges be filed against the authors of the message, a group of 4 individuals operating under the name of ‘Beetles’ (the translators note that this is misspelled in the original, indicating that they are “uneducate people”). It notes that one member of the group has a record of anti-monarchical expression, having once told Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret to ‘rattle your jewellery’ and another is credited with writing a song called ‘Her Majesty’ which falsely alleges that HM Queen Elizabeth suffers from autism and personality disorders.

In response, the DSI issued arrest warrants against Johnono Lemon, James P Mac Cratney, George Harry Sun and Ring O’Starr. The police forces of the nation are right now engaged in a sustained and vigorous search, and look forward to an early arrest.