British Prime Minister David Cameron was forced to return from his Tuscan holiday a second time to deal with the widespread turmoil in the financial markets. Night after night, mobs of out-of-control investors had been roaming the markets at will, looting and pillaging with impunity.

Television viewers were horrified at the sight of bankers and hedge fund managers calmly walking away with monthly pay-packets in 6 figures, leaving derelict and moribund economies behind them.

The financial regulators, when they could be seen, appeared to be doing little or nothing to stop their activity. Spokesmen later claimed that they were ‘overstretched’. ‘We can’t be everywhere at once,’ said one regulator. ‘As soon as we try to crack down in one area of the economy, these investors simply melt away and re-appear somewhere else.’

In fact, the recent turmoil has been blamed on a botched attempt to hold one bank to account by letting it go bankrupt. The anger fuelled by this action, especially when so many other banks have been bailed out for the same offence, brought investors onto the streets in a financial free-for-all, with the original grievance quickly forgotten.

There were signs that many of the hedge funds, merchant banks and finance houses appear to be operating in an organized way. ‘They’re forever hanging around places like stock markets, ministries of finance and central banks, where they learn the basic skills of financial pillaging,’ according to a long-term observer. ‘You can also find lots of them at events like the World Economic Forum, the Bilderberg gatherings, and the meetings of the Trilateral Commission.’

In one particularly outrageous incident, repeatedly viewed on YouTube, a gang of foreign investors appeared to be offering help, in the form of loans, to one set of victims, later identified as Greece, who had suffered serious injuries in earlier financial rioting.

However, the same investors were immediately seen demanding that Greece pay interest rates of 26% for this ‘assistance’. Commentators noted that the victims were effectively being condemned to a form of debt bondage where escape would take years, if not generations.

Many questions have been asked about why investors engage in such senseless and callous behaviour. Some social psychologists point to the ‘de-individuation’ that occurs in large groups. ‘This has been seen in stock markets since the very beginning, where it is called the herd instinct. No investor wants to be the last one to buy or sell, so they spend their time watching what other investors do. As soon as one market leader makes a move, there is a mad rush to follow suit.’

Others point to more personal factors. Many investors have nothing going for them but their greed. One academic noted ‘They produce nothing of concrete value, they can’t fix anything, not even their own markets, and they constantly worry about the thickness of their wallets, their capacity for sharp practice, and the size of their willies. Once safely inside the anonymity of the crowd, they feel a sense of power, that they can get away with anything. And normally they do.’

Others are more sceptical and point to a racial factor. Ignoring the polite term of ‘investor’, one radical observer said ‘It is no accident that capitalists are almost always white, male and middle-aged.’ Comments of this kind were censored by most respectable news sources because of the unrestrained use of language, which sometimes included terms like ‘gr**dh**d’.

PM Cameron initially seemed to share this point of view. ‘It’s all too clear that we have a big problem with banks in our country. For too long there has been a lack of focus and a complete lack of respect shown by these groups of thugs’, he said. ‘There are pockets of our economy that are not just broken, but frankly sick. For me the root cause of this mindless selfishness is the same thing I have spoken about for years: it is a complete lack of responsibility in parts of our society.’

However, the PM rejected calls for any immediate action. Moves to further deregulate the financial markets will go ahead as planned, even though many see this as giving a green light to even more financial looting. Calls for more regulators to police the situation were rejected as ‘impractical’.

The PM quickly returned to his interrupted holiday in a villa in Tuscany, generously made available by a grateful member of the investor class