‘Democrat Party Headquarters, good morning.’

‘Ah, good morning. I am calling from Second Coming Solutions. We’re a strategy and logistics outfit, new kids on the block, so to speak, and I was hoping to talk to someone about helping develop a dynamic and exciting solution to the upcoming election campaign that will lead your party to a well-deserved success in the polls.’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow.’

‘Er, I represent an outstandingly well-qualified team of media and PR professionals who are ready to help your party with its campaign strategy planning.’

‘Yes, I understood all that. But I don’t understand what you mean by ‘upcoming election campaign.’

‘Er, well, the PM has announced that he will be dissolving the House soon and, er, that means an election, so we assumed that you will be wanting to plan a campaign for that election.’

‘Plan it? We did that months and months ago. We’ve been campaigning like rats in heat for more than a year already. Haven’t you been reading the papers?’

‘Er, but I thought you weren’t supposed to start campaigning until they call an election?’

‘Per-lease. Which planet are you from? Most campaign planning starts within days of the results of the previous election.’

‘Oh. So you already have a campaign strategy?’

‘Of course. It’s called government policy. At least the bits we let people know about.’

‘Like what?’

‘Have you never heard of a thing called Pracha Wiwat? You ought to, it’s going to cost you enough if you pay taxes.’

‘You mean the populist pol- …’

‘You do not mention that word in this office. The Finance Minister has explained very carefully that this is quite definitely not populism. Populism is what that other lot did, blatantly trying to buy voter popularity by bribing people with giveaways that only foster a culture of dependence. Our policies are carefully designed to stimulate the economy by assisting disadvantaged sectors of the community.’

‘But you’ve kept all the things they did like health care …’

‘Not all of them.’

‘… and free buses.’

‘Ah, you see, but what will all the people who get a free bus ride do with the 7 baht they save? We have studies that show they will invest it in the creative economy to turn Thailand into an economic powerhouse in the next 5 years.’

‘But the buses are free to anyone. Why do you assume it’s only the disadvantaged?’

‘Of course it is. You never see really privileged people, like the Minister of Finance, on a bus, do you? I was shocked to see on his Facebook page that he even takes taxis.’

‘OK, so you have your strategies already, but have you thought seriously about targeting? In an election campaign it is very important to focus on the floating voter. It’s no use spending precious campaign resources on people who will already vote for you or on …’

‘Have you not looked at Pracha Wiwat? It’s got a rock solid Bangkok bias, precisely because that’s where we need the seats. The south’s locked up, the north and northeast are a wasteland, so it’s Bangkok where we need to pour in the mo- … er, campaign on the issues.’

‘Oh, you seem to have given this a lot of thought already.’

‘Well we have fought elections before, you know. But there may be something you can do for us. What can you lot do about opinion polls?’

‘Glad you asked that because we happen to have some of Thailand’s best qualified polling experts who can …’

‘No, we don’t need any of that. We already have people telling us what voters think, seat by seat, ward by ward. And probably a lot better than whoever you have. No, I was thinking about these ABAC polls that show us trailing in Bangkok.’

‘What about them?’

‘Well, is there any way you can nobble them? You know, discredit them or make sure they get the right result next time.’

‘Well, I’m not sure, I …’

‘Just a minute, who did you say you are?’

‘Second Coming Solutions.’

‘You’re not connected with that Messiah lot, are you?’

‘Well, we have retained many of their consultants ..’

‘Have you not caused us enough grief? I think this conversation is over, don’t you?’

‘Er, sorry. But just one last question. You wouldn’t have the number of Pheu Thai Party HQ, would you?’