The Thai government has been scrambling to explain the use of nuclear weapons by its military on the contested border with Cambodia. Allegations by the Cambodians about some sort of nuclear shell first surfaced last February when they were categorically denied by the Royal Thai Army.

However, inspection of the area by international organizations found evidence to support the charge. This has now led to an admission by the Thai Ambassador to the UN in Geneva that a kind of nuclear device was in fact used.

‘There are many kinds of nuclear weapons,’ said Sihasak Phuangketkeow, who currently serves as President of the UN Human Rights Council. ‘Different countries classify them in their own way. The Thai army says that the type of bomb they used, a Dual Purpose Enhanced Unconventional Munition, is not really nuclear.’

The Ambassador further said that the army was forced to use the weapon for ‘self-defence’ and did so using the principles of ‘necessity, proportionality and in compliance with the military code of conduct, which is based on an almost child-like enjoyment of things that go bang and make clouds in a pretty shape.’

Asked if deployment of such weapons was a violation of human rights, the Ambassador seemed momentarily confused. ‘But human rights are what we talk about in the UN. What have they got to do with the Thai army?’

‘This kind of bomb does cause a certain amount of radioactive contamination of the area,’ explained an Army spokesman. ‘But it goes off with a one hell of a big bang. It scares the Cambodians witless and that’s the real reason we have used it.’

International experts on nuclear proliferation have been scratching their heads over the incident. ‘It’s not just that they’ve let one off,’ said one, ‘but we never knew they had any to let off. How did they get hold of this bomb and how many more do they have?’

Insiders say a number of unmarked crates were left behind when US forces hurriedly abandoned their many bases in Thailand after the end of the Indo-China War. ‘The military have been playing around with these things ever since. The temple dispute seemed an ideal opportunity to let a few off and see what they did.’

The Thai military does not seem to be alarmed by the outpouring of international indignation over their use of banned weaponry. In fact, most Thai generals who could be contacted didn’t seem to know there was an outcry. ‘Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?’ asked one high-ranking officer when interviewed at the nineteenth tee. ‘Never heard of it. What’s it got to do with us?’

Acting government spokesman Panitan Wattanayagorn said that the military had explained that the weapon used was not covered by the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, since it was not the military’s intention to kill people by radioactivity. ‘It’s more similar to food irradiation, which is not banned.’

The Cambodians should actually be grateful for being bombed, he said, because irradiation was used to kill bacteria and extend the shelf-life of foods like naem and potatoes. The radiation could therefore improve the health and life-span of Cambodians in the area. At least those that had not already been killed or injured by it.

Asked why Thailand was prepared to use such a hazardous weapon, which could easily affect people on both sides of the border, the spokesperson referred to research on genetics by Dr Tul Sittisomwong who has isolated the DNA for Thainess. Dr Tul has suggested that all true Thais have, in their genetic make-up, DNA that is realized by reverence for HM the King. Any Thai who fails to love the monarchy is therefore mutant, according to the doctor.

It is believed that this ‘true Thai’ DNA may also confer immunity to Thai radioactivity and so Thais living close to the mushroom cloud should not be concerned for their safety. ‘But I’m not sure about Red Shirts,’ said Dr Tul.

In the meantime, the government has acted to allay public fears about food imports contaminated with radioactivity as a result of the accident at the Fukushima nuclear power plant in Japan. A shipment of sweet potatoes showed a level of contamination with radioactive iodine-131 that was 85% below the safety limit set by the WHO. Because of the harm that foreign radioactivity can do to Thais, the food was immediately destroyed and all future imports have been banned until hysteria returns to normal levels.