National jubilation as stranded pedestrians are reunited with their families after 69-day ordeal.

Thailand erupted in an outburst of collective joy yesterday when the last of 33 pedestrians was safely escorted across Sukhumwit Road in an operation that proceeded with astonishing efficiency. There had been fears that the rescue would take much longer, leaving the ‘klum sam-sip sam’ in a never-ending traffic limbo with their relatives and friends waiting anxiously on the far side of the street.

The problem began on August 5th when a horrendous traffic jam prevented a group of pedestrians from crossing Sukhumwit Road. Their plight only became known some 3 weeks later when their cries for help were heard by a passing policeman who did not stop because it was not his patch, he didn’t do traffic and anyway he was busy ignoring pornographic videos farther up the road . A rescue operation was immediately set in motion and the government spared no expense in bringing the pedestrians to safety.

The first idea was to build a pedestrian bridge, but as the timetable for completion began to stretch towards the next financial year, it was decided to attempt three different plans simultaneously in the hope that at least one of them would work.

Plan A, the bridge, never really looked like a winner. Pedestrian bridges are the responsibility of the notoriously cash-strapped Bangkok Metropolitan Authority and it soon became clear that simply securing the funding was going to take months.

The Ministry of Transport under the Bhum Jai Party quickly started work on Plan C, a traffic tunnel. Contracts were signed with a number of previously unknown firms from Buriram and because of the urgency of this case, cabinet approval was given to bypass the normal competitive tendering process despite the huge budget involved. Although money passed hands relatively quickly, construction went much slower and in fact not a single stroke of work has so far been done on this plan. Other than signing the cheques.

This left the way open for the ultimately successful Plan B, which involved painting a brand new pedestrian crossing, together with overhead lighting to permit drivers to see pedestrians more clearly before mowing them down. This has been the focus of the nation’s attention for the past few weeks, culminating in non-stop media coverage of the actual rescue operation.

Foreign road design consultants were hired to advise on the most appropriate kind of pedestrian crossing. Despite the fact that government stores already had plenty of black and white paint, it was decided to use a revolutionary red-and-white design. Careful testing showed that this was 0.34% more likely to be seen by passing drivers. A government minister also commented that it had the advantage on not showing the blood if there was an accident during the rescue.

Painting the crossing while non-stop traffic rushed past was a slow process. But thanks to special quick-drying paint and some inventive lane closing techniques which seriously increased congestion, the operation was completed well ahead of schedule, enhancing the country’s reputation for efficiency.

In the meantime a team of nutritionists, fitness trainers, psychologists and celebrity managers was assembled to provide ongoing assistance to the trapped pedestrians, ensuring that they stayed physically and psychologically healthy and would be prepared for the media blitz that awaited them.

The families of the stranded pedestrians assembled on the arrival side of the road and their 24-hour encampment was quickly dubbed Camp Desperanza by a Thai media that had not quite understood what was happening in Chile. The situation was tense not only for the pedestrians and their waiting families, but also for the media. Many had to be provided with emergency dictionaries to prevent overexposure of adjectives like ‘astounding’, ‘extraordinary’, and ‘unprecedented’.

Once the new crossing had been successfully painted, a cable, specially produced by the Naval Engineering School in Paknam, was rushed to Bangkok. Pol Sgt Klahan Jarajon, well-known for his bravery in traffic, volunteered to carry the cable across the street. Once the cable was in place, the pedestrians were, in a carefully pre-determined order, slowly winched back across the street. Concern was expressed over Pedestrian Number 24, who walked with a limp, having previously been run down on a crossing, but even he made it across, to the cheers of the nation.

Greeting them on the far side was Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva and Deputy Prime Minister Suthep Thaugsuban who delighted in giving a series of smiling media interviews with the Thai flag in the background. The Prime Minister stressed the importance of national unity in bringing the crisis to a successful conclusion. This proved, he said, that Thailand was an excellent place for foreign investment, tourism, and permanent application of the Emergency Decree, without which the operation would not have been possible.

When asked by a foreign reporter if the story did not reflect badly on the traffic situation in Bangkok, the PM graciously admitted this, but said that this was all the fault of former Prime Minister and fugitive terrorist Thaksin Shinawatra whose populist programmes had led the unsuspecting poor into buying cars and pickups on credit, immeasurably worsening traffic congestion, social division and anti-monarchical sentiment.

Economic stimulus measures by the Democrat Party, on the other hand, would have the effect of giving everyone a private vehicle so that there would be no more pedestrians and problems such as this could no longer arise.

When a CNN reporter asked whether the expense of the rescue operation could have been saved by simply enforcing the traffic laws and making drivers stop at pedestrian crossings, Deputy PM Suthep stepped in and claimed that this was another example of foreigners being unable to understand Thai culture.

Police were ordered to escort the reporter to CRES headquarters where he was charged under the Emergency Decree with asking a question that might cause panic or misunderstanding among the public about the emergency situation, affecting national security.

And so the episode ended with mutual self-congratulation all round. The only remaining problem is that half the pedestrians now want to re-cross the road to get back home.

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).