Your Excellency,

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Royal Thai Government presents its sincerest compliments to Your Excellency the Ambassador of the Philippines and wishes to avail itself of the good offices of Your Excellency, as Dean of the Foreign Diplomatic Corps, in order to communicate the following to the foreign diplomatic community in Thailand.

It has come to the notice of the Ministry that, following the improper meeting between officials of various embassies and representatives of the terrorist group who are illegally occupying a central intersection in Bangkok and thereby violating the right of all persons, both Thais and foreign visitors, to the freedoms of movement and consumerism, a number of foreign publications, electronic media and websites in territories belonging to the nations represented among the diplomatic corps have issued reports, statements and comments detrimental to the good relations between these nations and the Kingdom of Thailand.

These reports, statements and comments contain incorrect information that is not in line with the truth as explained repeatedly by the Centre for the Resolution of the Emergency Situation. Many comments cast doubts on the veracity of statements by properly authorized spokespersons of the RTG, up to and including His Excellency the Prime Minister. Some even make fun of His Excellency the Minister of Foreign Affairs in a disrespectful manner.

In the spirit of international cooperation and mutual goodwill, the Ministry respectfully calls upon Your Excellency to communicate our concerns to the parties involved and looks forward to continuing and mutually beneficial relations between our two nations.

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Excellency

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs extends its thanks to Your Excellency for the response to our communiqué diplomatique.

We first of all wish to clarify that when the Ministry requested foreign diplomatic personnel to refrain from meeting terrorists who have been involved in illegal occupations, this did not include HE the Minister. It was therefore a gross breach of international etiquette for the entire diplomatic community to shun His Excellency at the recent vin d’honneur in celebration of the Liberation Day of the Island of Alderney on the spurious grounds that his participation in the occupation of Suvarnabhumi Airport in November 2008 constituted an act of terrorism.

His Excellency the Minister is further dissatisfied by arguments from various diplomatic legations that constitutional guarantees of freedom of expression prevent national governments from censoring their media. The RTG wishes to point out that the Constitution of Thailand has similar guarantees but this has not, for example, stopped the Ministry of Intimidation and Communication Technology from blocking thousands of websites.

In this regard the RTG offers to make available to the international community its expertise in information control and correction through technical assistance agreements and other forms of bilateral cooperation.

The Ministry looks forward to improved compliance of foreign diplomatic personnel with the laws, customs and prejudices of Thailand, their gracious host nation.

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Mr Ambassador,

It is with some exasperation that the Ministry is compelled to register a strenuous protest against a recent message from a foreign embassy in Bangkok to its capital, in which the Foreign Minister of Thailand is described as a ‘pushy little fart with no clue about anything’. Such language, even in privileged communication between Embassy and Capital is a gross violation of diplomatic norms and will not be tolerated.

Due solely to the magnanimity of the Minister, it has been agreed that if the offending ambassador offers an immediate, unconditional and abject apology, proceedings to declare the perpetrator persona non grata will be suspended.

We look forward to a prompt and satisfactory response.

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Listen here mush,

It’s no business of yours how we got hold of that leak. You think after that Cambodian fiasco we’re complete dipshits at this spying lark, right? Well Mr Kasit wants you to know that that balls-up was all a scripted drama set up by the Devil Incarnate Thaksin and if we want to eavesdrop on the crap you’re sending back to head shed, who’s going to stop us? Eh? Eh?

So you lot had better sort yourselves out pretty damn quick because if you don’t, we got some boys who really will sort you out. Geddit?

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).