‘The tension is palpable here at the Annual Awards Ceremony of the Thai Political Performing Arts, better known as the Political Oscars. It’s been a year of upheaval on the Thai political scene and competition for some of the awards has been intense. Perhaps I can ask our political affairs commentator, Khun Thanongtul Sathitsophon, just how the awards are decided.’

‘Absolutely, Tony. Well, as usual, the awards committee of course meets behind closed doors in the best traditions of Thai politics. Their deliberations are completely secret, except of course to the, er, hostesses we can see coming and going in various states of undress. Their decision-making process, just like the one that forms coalition governments, is completely non-transparent but is of course thought to be influenced by the numerous envelopes that are discreetly passed into the room from time to time.’

‘OK, we’ve already seen some of the minor awards. The prize for Leading Lethargy was, as, expected won by the Ministry of Education, who have now won this award for 7 years running and who again couldn’t be bothered to turn up to accept it.. And we’re now running through the artistic awards, and it’s just been announced that the award for Most Imaginative Work of Political Art has gone to the Centre for the Resolution of the Emergency Situation for their famous anti-monarchy flow chart.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, of course this one went very much to form. The committee expressed their admiration for, and I quote here, the way that basic facts were not allowed to spoil a work of unreal beauty.’

‘OK, we’re due to hear the announcement of the winner of the Best Work of Political Fiction. This has always been hotly contested since this is an area where Thai politicians shine.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, some of the biggest whoppers in the world can of course be heard in the House of Representatives and observers normally have a hard time predicting this one.’

‘The emcee is just about to open the envelope, so let’s go straight over and hear what he has to say.’

‘… for the Best Example of Political Fiction goes to …’

‘He’s ripping open the envelope, removing the bundle of purple notes, …’

‘… the late Samak Sundaravej for a life time of peerless mendacity …’

‘Well, you can probably hear the resounding applause that is drowning out the rest of the announcement. A sympathy vote, Khun Thanongtul?’

‘Absolutely, Tony, I mean, Samak has of course been a strong contender down the years, but this is of course something of a lifetime achievement award, and richly deserved, I think we all agree.’

‘But perhaps a bit unfair to the other contenders this year? Even PM Abhisit was thought to be in the running for this one.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, though of course to be honest, saying things once you’re in power that are the opposite of what you said in opposition, well, that’s not really very original. Sheer hypocrisy is not normally enough to lift this one, you really need to do some creative lying. But of course some of the leading liars in Thai politics can consider themselves unlucky here. I think Samak really did have to die to enjoy success here.’

‘I’ll have to stop you there, because there seems to be some hold-up over the award for Non-Political Politician of the Year.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, this is of course the award that was created a few years ago when so many politicians were getting banned from politics and the award has of course quickly grown in stature.’

‘Now we do have a man listening at the keyhole and … yes, I’ve just had word that the committee is deadlocked and has requested further input. And that has sparked a bit of a scrum at the door of the committee room with people waving envelopes. No, I now hear that the deadlock has suddenly been broken and the winner is, yes, it’s Newin Chidchob.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, pretty much as expected of course. I can’t quite understand where the glitch came from, Newin is normally such a smooth operator, but I suppose with the numbers they’re talking about, it’s all too easy to miscount the zeroes or something.’

‘And now we come to the big one. Outstanding Political Organization of the Year and the field is like a who’s who of Thai politics. But just a moment, the committee have come out of their room … it looks like they’re going to announce this one themselves. This is most unusual, Khun Thanongtul.’

‘Absolutely, Tony, unprecedented. I can’t think why …’

‘Amazingly, the committee have given themselves the award together with a cash prize of … but the mike seems to have been disconnected by one of the security officials, a group of heavily armed men in black have rappelled down from the balcony. This is quickly descending into chaos. And now someone has set off a tear gas grenade, or is it a smoke bomb?’

[The broadcast is interrupted by stirring martial music which after some time is replaced by a military officer announcing the next coup. And awarding the prize for Outstanding Political Organization to the Armed Forces. In perpetuity.]

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).