The ongoing red shirt demonstrations have started using the words ‘ammat’ and ‘phrai’, previously found in the history books or obscure sociological theorizing. Their re-emergence has caused a great deal of confusion among Thais, as can be seen by Prachatai’s bulging inbox.

This column has received numerous enquiries. We will start with one that seems to have confused me with an agony aunt.

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Dear Uncle Harrison,

I am getting very confused about ammat and phrai, but what really bothers me is that I am not sure whether I am in the ammat or not, because I wouldn’t want any of my friends to think I am just a phrai. Is there an online application form somewhere where I can join? What is the annual membership fee? Do you get a membership ID?

Perplexed in Pratunam

Dear Perplexed,

I am afraid there is no formal membership of the ammat. It’s not like joining a gym club or Greenpeace. Exactly who is or is not in the ammat is not always clear, but as a general rule, if you are one, you will already know it, and since you don’t know, I would bet you’re not. But don’t let this get you down. Some phrai can be very nice people and if you accept your position and are very pleasant and respectful towards your friends in the ammat, it may make very little difference to your future life and happiness.

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Harry St George darling,

Will you please please pleeeeease settle this terribly tacky argument between friends because some of the sweethearts say that any gay can be in the ammat but one bitch on Soi Bobby who shall be nameless has started a rumour that while femmes might be ammat, butches can’t, and my boyfriend is lovely really, though he is a bit dark-skinned and looks a teensy-weensy bit rough (just the way I like them!!!) and he’s getting rather upset, poor thing, thinking he’s just a phrai and it’s, well, affecting his performance, if you see what I mean.

Tut-C in Thonburi

Dear Tootsie,

Membership of the ammat is not related to one’s sexual orientation. Indeed a number of well-known members of the ammat are of your persuasion (at least according to the rumours) so your boyfriend shouldn’t assume he is not in the ammat. Though if he is dark-skinned, he sounds like a Red Shirt to me, so I’d say it was rather unlikely. Even so, there is no medical reason why this should affect anyone’s physical prowess. Some phrai are fine upstanding members of society.

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Dear Mr George,

I am quite appalled that these obsolete terms have been re-introduced into Thai society. I have spent many years and tens of thousands of baht establishing myself as a member of hi-so. I have bought the right clothes and furnished my exclusive penthouse suite in the best bijou style. I eat at the most fashionable restaurants and attend the most exclusive parties. And I also donate to the most elite charities. As a result of all my efforts I have appeared on the society pages of the best newspapers at least once every month. Now I find there is another privileged group called ammat. This is simply not fair. Tell me, does membership of hi-so make you a member of this ammat as well?

Deserving Desirée of Dusit (Ms)

Dear Desirée,

As a hi-so person, you must already have many friends who can explain this better than I can.

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Dear H George,

Further to your claim that there are no formal criteria for membership of the ammat, the Armed Services Protocol, Insignia and Decorations Office would like to bring to your attention a recent circular from our office that regulates membership of the ammat in the military. Briefly, all Other Ranks are phrai (with enlisted soldiers categorized as sub-phrai). Officers up to and including the rank of Captain, Lieutenant Commander and Flight Lieutenant are classed as ammat second-class and those above as ammat. Four-star officers are classed as ammat deluxe.

Lt Col (Ammat) Kiattisakdi Rian-klahan

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Dear Harrison,

I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to be giving advice about who’s ammat and who’s not. In these modern times, there are really no classes in Thailand. The Evil One who plans, funds and encourages the red shirts is just using this artificial distinction to try to stir up conflict in Thai society. He may tell his minions to call themselves phrai, but he himself desperately wants to be in the ammat like me. But in any case, we treat the phrai as if they were human, so where’s the problem? What’s important is that everyone enjoys the same freedoms and the same opportunities, which is exactly what this government is trying to achieve.

Mr Privilege, Sukhumwit Soi 31

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Hi HG,

Just as a matter of interest, I was wondering whether you yourself were phrai or ammat?

Devoted Reader

Dear Devoted,

How dare you make such insinuations about my status in Thai society? I would have thought it was perfectly obvious what my social standing was.

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).