The Thai military insist on using the discredited empty plastic box and laminated cardboard sold to them as the GT200 bomb and drugs detection device for nigh on a million a pop. Their argument is that they currently have no alternative equipment and so have to use the GT200 because it is ‘better than nothing’. Or at least until the government gives them additional budget to buy replacement devices, which, they warn, will be much more expensive.

This claim defies logic, common sense and the application of even the minimal IQ the military might be able to muster. Editorials and commentaries have excoriated this way of thinking. It is, however, an argument hallowed by long use in the military, as Prachatai has discovered.

A discarded paper bag used by an itinerant Indian peddling a variety of nuts was spotted by a Prachatai reporter sleuth as part of a report from the previously unknown Office of Procurement Examination, Logistical Evaluation and Supplies Scrutiny, buried deep in the military bureaucracy.

To be more geographically precise, the Office is located in a temporary lean-to shed attached to the back of a disused air raid shelter at the far end of Runway 2B at Takhli Air Force base. Its mandate is to inspect all military purchases, leases and requisitions to ensure that the Thai taxpayer gets value for money. It executes this mandate with a staff of 3, one of whom is permanently assigned to driving duties (the end of Runway 2B is a very, very long way from anywhere).

Despite its staffing limitations and remote location, a number of OPELESS reports have emerged over the years, most of which raise important questions about military procurement methods.

One such report looked at the purchase of 15,000 watches that did not seem to work. The watches, intended for front-line troops, were assembled by underage Mon girls at a factory run by the Tatmadaw just outside Mandalay under licence from a Chinese manufacturer trading as Pretty Your Clock. The watches were found on inspection to have no moving parts (and were also incorrectly labelled as ‘Pretty Your Cock’).

The report notes that after extensive testing, the Army found that no matter what time the watches were set to, they did in fact show the correct time twice in every 24 hours. This was judged to be ‘better than nothing’ and the watches were distributed to troops so that they could synchronize riot control activities and other important military manoeuvres. In the meantime an application for a supplementary budget was made so that the armed forces could purchase genuine Lolex watches for its soldiers.

Another OPELESS report dealt with ‘ghost’ soldiers. These are names that appear on military payrolls but do not seem to have any other existence apart from mysteriously drawing their salary every month. Almost all units of the armed services had this problem to the extent that the purported strength of the Thai military seems to be seriously overestimated.

In response to these findings, the Office of the Paymaster-General pointed out that without these troops, the defence of the country would be seriously weakened, threatening national security. It had therefore been decided that keeping these names on the payroll was ‘better than nothing’ and that the correct course of action was to seek extra government funding to pay for additional recruitment to make up for the numbers now being paid but not actually being there.

In the event that hostilities did break out, military strategists believe that the situation would rectify itself, since the armies of most of Thailand’s neighbours were thought to contain similar proportions of no-show soldiers. ‘We could probably throw a couple of divisions at the Cambodian army and they could respond in similar numbers without an actual real person being involved,’ commented an unnamed military planner. ‘It would be like one of those virtual reality computer games. Lots of fun.’

The most recent OPELESS report that Prachatai has been able to locate details the consistent manner in which previous OPELESS reports have been ignored, mislaid, denied or otherwise rendered invalid. It was concluded that if the military were to accept these reports, there would have to be large-scale investigations into graft and mismanagement, probably leading to mass dismissals and even criminal prosecutions.

This would be a terrible blow to the armed forces’ morale. It was better to act as if the OPELESS reports did not exist. Because nothing was better than doing nothing.

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).