The introduction of full body scanners at Suvarnabhumi International Airport caused some technical problems of a perhaps predictable nature.

‘Whoa, would you get a look at this guy’s kor kor nor.’

‘Hey, we’re supposed to be checking for explosives, not admiring people’s underwe – holy bananas, what’s he got in there?’

‘Dunno, but anything that size looks suspicious to me. What do you think?’

‘OK, get him in and strip him down.’

‘Excuse me sir, would you pass this way?’

‘What’s the matter? I have a plane to catch.’

‘We quite understand sir, but the body scan has shown up something we would like to, er, look at in more detail.’

‘Look at what?’

‘Well, sir, not to put too fine a point on it, so to speak, we suspect you’ve got something in your underwear.’

‘Is this a joke? Of course I have something in my underwear. Don’t you?’

‘Sir, I’m sure you are aware of the attempt to blow up a plane over Detroit at Christmas. That person was wearing explosives in his underwear. I am afraid we need to check all suspicious, er, - anything that looks bigger than norm- , anything out of the ordinary. I’m sure you understand the need for safety precautions, sir.’

‘Sure I do, but, hey, this is guy to guy, yeah? Are you telling me that I’m a threat to the plane just because I’m better hung than you guys? Eh? Maybe a threat to those nice little hostesses you have on board, know what I mean?’

‘Well if that’s the case, sir, I’m sure you won’t mind slipping off your trousers and letting us see what you’ve got in there.’

‘Now listen, guys, is this absolutely necessary? I mean, this could get embarrassing.’

‘For us sir, or for you? I’m afraid that unless you can prove that the contents of your underpants are harmless, you will not be allowed to board the plane.’

‘Oh for - alright then, but I’m making a formal complaint against the Airports Authority of Thailand for intrusion of privacy. There. Satisfied?’

‘Completely, sir. Thank you for your cooperation, have a nice flight and to avoid future embarrassment, perhaps next time you should pack your socks in your luggage.’

A mobile phone rings. The ring-tone is the Beatles tune ‘I’m looking through you’.

‘Yeah, what’s up? … He can’t drop the price like that! … Listen, I’m risking my neck here sending him the juiciest pics we get, all A-class stuff, front and back. He can’t suddenly say he’s not interested. … What’s he talking about, supply and demand? … What? He’s getting stuff from central Asia? … Well of course theirs are bigger, that’s why there’s so many of them working down on Soi Nana. … The internet can’t be overloaded with porn, it’s a logical impossibility. … Oh alright but make sure he removes the ID tags before he posts them, OK? … Listen, they want me here, I’ll call you back.’

‘Hey, get a load of this tukata. Right, let’s get this little lovely tight up against the screen.’

‘Excuse me, miss, do you think you could raise your arms like this and … Tell you what, let me stand behind you and show you how.’

‘Is this OK? Don’t I have to take anything off?’

‘Well, er, it’s not strictly necessary, but if you …’

‘Like my belt or shoes?’

‘Er, maybe not this time. Now just hold it there. Great. And one more just for luck. Good. Now turn around and …’

‘Just what the hell is going on here?’

‘Sorry, sir, body screening, sir. For security, sir.’

‘And she fits your profile of a potential terrorist, does she?’

‘Er, random check, sir. Making sure the machine gives us a good shot of her - er, a clear image.’

‘Didn’t you check the passenger list? She’s coming with me to check out airport security in Bali, Hawaii, the Seychelles and the Maldives. It’s our Round-the-World Island Paradise Observation of Foreign Facilities. We’re official, so we do not go through this security malarkey. Especially our baggage. Is that understood?

‘Yes, sir. Ah, I’ve found her. Listed as your personal karaoke attendant.’

‘Er, yes, that’s right. Very important on these tiring trips. I need her to keep up morale. And things.’

‘I see, sir. She’s your RIPOFF artiste.’

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).