‘Hello. Could I speak to Tuy, please.’

‘Who’s calling?’

‘This is Somsri. It’s about my loan.’

‘Somsri? Which Somsri?’

‘In Huai Khwang? I borrowed 30,000 for my daughter’s operation in August.’

‘Just a minute. OK, I got it. So what’s your problem? Your next payment is due on Tuesday.’

‘Yes, I realize that. But I was wondering if I could pay back the loan instead of just the interest charges.’

‘What? Where did you get the money for that? You won the lottery or something?’

‘No, it’s this government scheme. I’ve just been to the Government Savings Bank and they say I can get a loan from them and I won’t have to pay as much interest.’

‘Is that right?’

‘Yes, this very helpful man explained it all to me. He says I don’t have to pay 6,000 baht a month like I have to pay you. I can get 30,000 from him, pay you off, and if I paid them only 3,000 a month, the loan will be paid off in no time.’

‘Well that’s just brilliant.’

‘Yes, I thought so too. He said it’s that nice Mr Korn’s idea to help poor people like us.’

‘And what about people like me? If you all go taking cheap loans from the government, what happens to me?’

‘I never thought of that.’

‘I’ve been working for this community for years, lending money to people the banks wouldn’t touch, providing an essential economic service, and this nice Mr Korn comes and ruins it.’

‘Oh, I’m sure he meant well.’

‘What does he know about loan-sharking? All he understands is finance, totally different thing.’

‘I’m sorry you feel like that.’

‘No worries. Now, about you paying off this loan. Are you sure this is what you want to do?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, let’s just say we know where your daughter goes to school and the traffic round there is so dangerous. Do you think Mr Korn will be able to stop hit-and-run drivers as well?’

------------------------

‘Steve, do you have a moment?’

‘Who’s that? What time is this?’

‘It’s Elin, sorry if I woke you.’

‘It’s 3 in the morning, of course you woke me. What on earth’s going on?’

‘Well, as a caddy, which club would you use the break the back window of an Escalade?’

‘Say what?’

‘You see, Tiger’s, er, run into a bit of a problem backing the car out and, er, I need to get at him.’

‘Get at him?’

‘Yeah, get him out. ’Cause he’s locked the doors, but I’ve got his golf bag here and I was wondering which club would be best for cracking his - er, breaking the window so I can, er, sort him out?’

‘Is it on fire? Is he breathing?’

‘What? No, no, it’s just I need to get him out so I can, er, see to him. Look, this is an emergency. Should I use a wood?’

‘Well, er, I dunno. I suppose an iron would be better. Smaller impact area. It should break the glass more easily.’

‘OK. Which iron?’

‘Well, the one with the longest shaft, I guess.’

‘So a 1 iron?’

‘He normally doesn’t carry one. Go for the 2 iron. So when you get him out, what are you going to do?’

‘I think I know which club to use after that.’

-------------------

‘I thought you said we had this sorted.’

‘Well, we did. We got the Council of State to say the government didn’t need to observe the Constitution, so the projects could all go ahead.’

‘So who’s the Council of State? Are they a court?’

‘No, but they’re pretty useful. They’ve emasculated the National Human Rights Commission. You’ve no need to worry about them any more.’

‘I never was worried about them. It’s this environmental and health thing that’s holding us up. How could you let the court decide against us?’

‘Well, we thought they understood how things stood, you know after we appealed and made all those noises about losing foreign investment and GDP going down.’

‘I’ve a good mind to take our money and go elsewhere. Somewhere a bit more business friendly. Vietnam, maybe. Or even Cambodia.’

‘You’re joking.’

‘Of course I’m joking. We’re a downstream industry, aren’t we? How can we set up shop when there’s no upstream?’

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘What can we do? We’ll just have to wait for you to get your fingers out and set up this independent body as quick as you can.’

‘That may be for the best. I mean, we’ve been hiding the cancer figures for Map Tha Phut for years. It was bound to leak out sooner or later. At least you’ll be able to build your plants with a clear conscience.’

‘What are you on about?’

‘Well, won’t you have to clean up your operation? You know, make it safer for everybody?’

‘Hello? That costs money. Goodbye profits. No, what you have to do is make sure the projects go ahead OK as they stand. No extra costs.’

‘But this independent body …’

‘… will have to learn that a few sick and dying peasants can’t be allowed to stand in the way of investor confidence.’

 

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).