[The scene: The gate of the Embassy of Nicaragua in a quiet soi in a leafy suburb of Bangkok. It is 2 am.]
Who eez there?
It me.
¿Quién? Who eez me?
I Thaksin.
Who? You want visa for visit Nicaragua, you come in morning. 10 to 12 every day not Friday, OK? Now good night.
No, no, no want visa. Have Nicaragua passport already.
Ah. So consular service 10 to 4 close lunch every day not Friday, OK? Good night again.
No, listen. You not get my message? I Thaksin. Former Prime Minister. I contact Foreign Ministry in Managua. They say I come here tonight 2 am, you let me into Embassy.
¿Qué?
You must let me in Embassy.
You no look like Nicaraguan. How you get Nicaragua passport? You look like Chinese.
Never mind that. I must get into Embassy. Very urgent. You find Ambassador.
You Nicaraguan, you sing national anthem of Nicaragua, OK?
No have time for that. Go find ambassador.
No, you sing first. ‘Salve a ti, …’
Shhhh! Quiet! You make noise they catch me. Now go find ambassador.
Ambassador weel not like zis. Eez 2 in morning.
Please just get Ambassador.
OK, but he not like.
[After a few minutes, a bulky figure in a dressing-gown appears. In perfect Oxford English he addresses the fugitive at the gate.]
Please state your business.
Mr Excellency Ambassador, I talk to Foreign Ministry in Managua, and he tell me …’
Yes, yes, I know all that. But what is your business here?
I want you let me in Embassy.
For what purpose?
Well, it like President Zelaya in Honduras. He like me. Have coup, he must to leave country and now …
Not exactly like you Mr Thaksin. There was a coup in both cases, but you were allowed back into Thailand. You chose to break your promise to the court to return to Thailand for sentencing in a case where you were found guilty.
It political crime. It not fair.
I don’t wish to argue the merits of your court case through a gate at 2 am in the morning. Can you please tell me why you desire access to this Embassy?
Well, it like Zelaya in Honduras. He sneak back and hide in Brazil Embassy. Good idea.
And the Brazilian Embassy in Tegucigalpa has had its water, electricity and phone lines cut off. Why should I inconvenience my staff and myself in that way?
But I do for my people. They know I here, they will come and mob and I can lead my country again. Solve all problem. Especially economics.
Mr Thaksin, the UN, the Organization of American States, the EU and many other countries and organizations have refused to recognize the coup in Honduras and still accept President Zelaya as the rightful head of state. I am afraid this is not so in your case.
No, it same same. If he still President, me too.
Ah, you claim to be President? An interesting constitutional move but not one with which the Government of the Republic of Nicaragua would wish to associate itself.
Listen, we make deal, OK? You let me in embassy, I do what you want. Lease rice farm in Thailand to you, sell satellite very cheap, buy football club for you, whatever you like.
Mr Thaksin, this may be difficult for you to understand, but the sovereignty of an Embassy of the Republic of Nicaragua is not something that is up for barter. I think we have come to the end of this conversation, don’t you?
No, no, wait …
I wish you a very good night, Mr Thaksin and a safe journey back to wherever you came from.
No, wait, I have just one more question.
Very well, Mr Thaksin, what is your question?
Do you know where is Embassy of Bahamas? Must find somewhere tonight.
About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).
